Barnsley at home

"one blink for yes, two blinks for no, sweet dreams sweetcheeks we leave alone..."


(I started writing a journal on my trip to Chennai (Madras))
(It goes a bit like this)
(And by a bit like this I mean completely word to word like this)
((just had to clarify that))

Friday 12th December 2008

20:46: I am on a train. Oh what timing! My Egg Biryani just came. I will eat it now. I am listening to The Festive Fifty 2000. It is playing a beautiful Sigur Ros song I do not know. We are hurtling through space. Egg. Yum. 30 Rupees - only - Egg. Rice. Yum. Space.

21:00: Wow! Marvel at my pacey gulps! The Egg Biryani was quite good. 6/10. In my experience of sleeper train Egg Biryanis, which stands at 3, it is probably the MIDDLE one.

Anyway, while munching away I came up with quite the mediocre analogy! OH FUCK I JUST MISSED THE TEA MAN, AGAIN! I swear I hear him 5 seconds after he speaks and then I look up and see his back and it's too late and it's the end of the world. ANYWAY, that was not the mediocre analogy (though make of it what you will), THIS IS IT: this journey of 12/12 is like a test flight before the real journey around the universe next week. Chennai is my earth's orbit to check the engines work. I will return to earth (Hyderabad) and gather supplies and such. I will NOT forget toilet paper like I just realised I have. Then I'll depart to stranger worlds than I have ever seen.

I am going to a cricket match. It is a wonderfully poised match. Wonderful things could happen. Space is flying past. The full moon is lighting up the treetops and wilderness of space. I am going now. Come back tea man, come back...

Saturday 13th December 2008

07:32: We appear to be in a strange water world. As far as the eye can see there is water in little squares like a city map. The sun has made a face in the clouds. Quite often there are trees. LOS CAMPESINOS! are heard EVERYWHERE! But that's because they're on my headphones. Imagine if You! Me! Dancing! was blurting from the heavens though! LOL

The Bay of Bengal is over the horizon probably. I forgot my toothbrush too. Did you hear about the boy who spent his weekend touring pharmicists? Yeah that'll be me. I slept well. Best yet. 7/10. Rudely awakened at 7:00AM, though.

I'M EXCITED! :D

18:07: Hello! I am sat on pink chequed sheets in my 250R (£3) hotel room. No cockroaches yet. YES! Indian toilet = semi fail, me buying toilet roll = success. Fail averted.

I've decided I like Chennai quite a lot. Lonely Planet, in all its wisdom, hates it, and I may be bias because of the favourable cricket score (England lead 2nd Innings about 250 with 7 wickets in hand), but I have had a completely lovely day. My plan to use local trains instead of rickshaws to the stadium/hotel worked and I only missed the first 45 minutes of play. Fantastic atmosphere: "Dhoni! Dhoni! ringing round the stadium as I entered sent a shiver down the old spine let me tell you. I also learnt that there is nothing like a silence when the opposition gets an Indian wicket. Suddenly time stands still, for about 10 seconds until normal screaming and horn blowing is resumed. Surreal. I was in the equivalent of the South Bank I think, side view. Maybe tommorow I'll go behind the bowler's arm.

I saw a pretty (white) girl in the morning session as England shot through India's lower order, seemingly alone next to a pillar. For about half an hour I debated whether to go talk to her, whether she too was alone in this big stadium. But then some guildy looking types (****s?) arrived, presumably her friends, so crisis averted!

I had fresh mackerel for lunch on the beach of the Bay of Bengal. I chose the fish, he chucked it in, sizzle sizzle, massala on, gorgeous. Truly.

I think my moustache is confusing people. Indians don't know I'm English. English don't know I'm English. I'm still scared of white people. I'm scared of sitting with the 'Barmy Army.' Maybe I'm just scared of potential guildy interactions. Who knows.

HEROES OF TODAY: Monty Panesar - W of Dhoni!
Andrew Strauss - 72* (when it was all falling apart)
Paul Collingwood - 50+* (safe!)
Ahmed & Prashant (nice people @ cricket)
Nice auto drivers

*CONGRATULATIONS*

21:25: I may never see Sedem again. Sedem, my friend from Togo who recently moved from Hyderabad to Chennai, just took me for beer + dinner. Well, I chose the place and his friend paid but the thought was there. I had fried fish, "1000" beer (6% alc.) + Chicken Tandoori. It was cheap and lush - "Hotel Comfort" - Triplicane - if you're about, ever.

I saw the pretty girl on the lift up to its top floor location and she wasn't so pretty at all. Also, her supposed boyfriend was very small. I win!

I may never see Sedem again. Or his friend. Which is sad because they are both genuinely lovely. GOODBYE SEDEM AND FRIEND.

Sunday 14th December 2008

16:22: I think this book is a Biryani magnet. No sooner did write the date above, my Biryani arrives but 2 minutes after ordering. I am now worried about said Chicken Biryani. I am in the non-veg cafe of Chennai Egmore Station. It is grey and pink. I will now eat.

16:55: I am grey and pink. I am orange and black and blue after being pounded for a 32 ball 50 by Virender Sehwag like Monty Panesar. I am a bit grey because Sehwag's innings might mean England lose despite the fact they should still win. I am pink because I've had a great weekend. The train is moving. Goodbye Chennai/Madras. Fare Thee Well...

19:13: I just had another Egg Biryani. I need to eat as much as possible. I don't want to look like a broom anymore. 6/10, BTW.

Bugger me, I forgot my analogy! (Song title! Nearly as good as "Blades Away, No Way!" of two weeks back. I'll write an album. It will go:

1. Blades Away, No Way!

2. Bugger me, I forgot my analogy!)

ANYWAY we are hurtling through space again (it is dark now so more like space). I am wearing and carrying my England cap with the sort of hurt pride with which I wear my Wolves shirt on the train home after defeat. Like one Tuesday evening on the way back from Highbury, December 2003, we had just lost 5-1 to Arsenal U18s in the League Cup (Fabregas' first Arse goal, for the record). On the train home some fat cockney cunt took my programme without asking, then asked "You Wolves?" I was wearing the shirt. "Score?" "5-1. To them." "Who?" Who the fuck do you think you meandering arsehole! "Arsenal." Cue laughing. I've not forgotten you, cockney cunt. I'll tear you apart. You'll still be laughing.

ANYWAY I shouldn't get so serious because we (England) still have a serious chance of winning! Who knows. I have since been informed by my friend Rishi that Sehwag was out for 80+. I love him really.

HEROES OF TODAY: Strauss = CENTURY!

Collingwood = CENTURY!

All the people who spoke to me at the cricket (5!).

VILLAINS: Virender Sehwag (but god he's good)

Every shop person who wouldn't take my ripped 50R note

The man opposite me now who keeps staring at me. (I just re-read this. He's still staring).

Monday 15th December 2008

06:48: Note to self. Side berths (ie "vertical" along the train compared to "horizontal") do not allow as healthy a sleep as normal ones. While in one of the six normal the train's rhythm rocks you like a baby, in the side berth it rips you up and down and you end up with your heart in your mouth. And I don't fit. I still got a good few hours though, just at staggered intervals. 3/10.

HOWEVER, it is fair to say, nearing the end of this test flight (oh god, you cry!), that the engines work impeccably and the enthusiasm of the crew is ever strong. One hopes the toilet paper and toothbrush will be remembered next time. But it's very exciting.

Someone just touched my foot. It overhangs my U side berth. Eyuk. Please let us have beaten Barnsley!!!

BYE!

(I would just like to add that it is cursed blogger.com formatting the text above so terribly. I have given up, it infuriates me so. This might be the penultimate ever post! Or final! Or none of these. Thanks).